march fifteenth & hashimoto's

You know what is incredibly hard to come to grips with some days? The fact that my "due date" came and went (one month ago today!), and I have nothing to show for it. (The last few months have been emotional, to say the least.) When my miscarriage first happened, the love & support was incredible. We felt so loved and after a while I felt okay about things. But I clung onto a little glimmer of hope that so many offered me: You'll probably be pregnant by the time the due date rolls around.

Spoiler alert: I'm not. 

And while I'm actually realizing that this little fact is *I think* for the better, it's still heart-wrenching to think that this could have happened a third time:

(There is nothing like meeting your sweet babe for the first time!!!)

I've learned a lot over the last few months, and among other things, my testimony has been strengthened about the importance of families. Babies are such miracles and (hopefully) one day soon we'll be able to bring more little ones into our family. But until then, I'm determined to soak up Max & Avery with all that I've got and be the best mother I can be.

...

And while we're on the topic of learning new things...Have you ever heard of Hashimoto's disease? 

Well, last week I was diagnosed with that dreaded auto-immune disease and instead of feeling totally sorry for myself, I'm actually a little relieved (Ok, I do find myself feeling sorry more often than I'd like to. And I'm totally freaked out. But I am relieved. I'm not crazy after all!) 

After Avery was born (two years ago tomorrow!!!) I started noticing a lot of negative symptoms. I had veryyyy little energy. I didn't feel like myself. My memory was getting so incredibly horrible, I was worried I was getting Alzheimer's (It's bad you guys!) I felt distant from everyone (and in case you didn't know, that is a horrible way to feel right after having a baby. Or anytime for that matter.) 

I blamed it on post-partum. I blamed it on the small town we had recently moved to. I blamed it on a lot of things. But after a few months, things were getting worse, not better, so I started seeing a counselor for depression. After a few visits, she was pretty confident that I was not suffering from depression. She asked if I had ever had my thyroid checked. I had no idea what that was, but I made an appointment with my local doctor, and sure enough, my thyroid was wayyy wacky. He put me on Synthroid, which I took faithfully for a little over a month with zero results. I took it on & off for the next year (still, with no results...probably due to my inconsistency) but it wasn't until my miscarriage that I really started paying attention to my thyroid issues at all.

I started doing more research and I was finding all over the place that miscarriages can be strongly related to a thyroid imbalance. I got my levels checked again (nothing had changed) and I was dedicated to take it faithfully for the next three months (they say that's how long it really takes for your body to notice any changes...) Three months later, my symptoms were as strong as ever and I was getting frustrated. 

That's when I started thinking about diet and trying all sorts of things: first I went gluten-free/vegan. Then it was sugar-free (completely! No fruit or anything...sad day!) I'm not sure if I was just focusing too much on what I couldn't eat, but it was stressful, and I wasn't sure if it was doing anything so I was not the most motivated person in the world. You may have seen a bunch of posts on Instagram like this:

^^ these all happened to be pretty delicious. they were my saving grace! ^^

Well, to make a lonnnng story semi-short, after searching and searching for a doctor who I felt comfortable & confident with, I was given three separate recommendations for the same doctor. So I made an appointment with her and she is amazing. She had tons of blood work done and it was confirmed yet again: my thyroid is going absolutely crazy & my antibody levels are higher than she has ever seen. (This, along with my whacky thyroid, is what led her to be 99% positive I've got Hashi's.) She's upped my thyroid medication, I'm taking more vitamins than I've taken in my life (combined!), and I'm trying yet another gluten-free experiment, but I'm hopeful that I'll start to see improvement soon.

So. That's what has been on my mind lately.

Happy Monday :)

good things to come.

It has been over three weeks since we first heard the terrible news and oh how slowly time has gone.  It is crazy to think that it has only been a little over three weeks.  Eighteen days.  Four hundred and thirty two hours.  But the time has passed, and with that time, I feel like I have learned a lot.  

I have: Grown closer to my Savior.  Embraced the relationship I have with my sweet husband.  Appreciated my children like never before.  Experienced pain in a way I never thought possible.  Soaked my pillow with tears.  Tried to push unanswerable questions out of my mind.  Replayed that moment, the moment I realized that our little baby wasn't going to make it, over and over again in my mind.  Gained empathy for so many women who have gone through this exact same thing.  Been blown away by the service, love, and kindness of others.  Been reminded that God has a plan for me, for us.  Thought about the birth process and have been in awe at how incredibly miraculous it is.  Realized how much I have taken for granted up to this point.  Recognized that I have so much to be thankful for--and realizing that fills my heart with so much joy it's almost crazy.  

It really has been a whirlwind these last three weeks.

From Wednesday (the 29th) when I found out and the following Tuesday (the 4th) when I had my D&C, the days are really all mushed together in my mind.  I couldn't think straight.  I stayed at my parents for a few days and they pretty much took care of the kids.  I tried not to hope that the doctors had been wrong and my baby was actually still alive.  Since I knew that they really had been right, I couldn't stop thinking about the baby still inside of me that was no longer living.  It was a very difficult time.  Danny and I had many conversations about life, the gospel, trials, etc...and I tried so hard to remember that God is in control.

Tuesday morning finally rolled around (time really does seem to move so slowly when something devastating happens) and Danny and I were out the door by 6:50 am.  The drive to the hospital made me wish that I was going there to have a baby.  We checked in and the nurses walked me back to the room.  Right past the nursery.  Down the hall I could see the room we stayed in with Avery when she was born.  Couldn't they have taken me down a different hall?  That series of events made me slightly grumpy but the doctors + nurses who helped me were wonderful.  Around 8:30 I was drifting quickly off to sleep (Danny wanted me to count down from 100.  I was so determined to make it to 0 but I actually don't even remember getting started at all!) and the next thing I remember was a strange voice telling me she was going to roll me back to my room, and it might be a bit bumpy.  

The next few hours I was so out of it.  Not sure how long it took me to acknowledge Danny, but when I did I don't think I was very kind.  I probably asked him to rip out the oxygen tube in my nose because my nose itched sooo badly.  A new nurse came in with a thick accent who I couldn't understand and I was not in a happy mood.  Why wasn't there a bassinet beside me with a sweet, beautiful baby inside??  It was rough.  But Danny was so patient and stayed by my bedside the entire time.  And it was a long time.  We expected to be in and out but it wasn't until 12:30 that I actually felt awake and coherent enough to get out of bed.  We got checked out around 1:30, came home, got a snack, and I had crawled back into my own bed by 2.  I didn't wake up until 5:30 that night!  Apparently my body responds really well to sleep drugs.  When I woke up that night I was feeling like I was almost myself again, just tired + still sad, so I was so thankful to have Danny and my mom around.  They helped out so much.  My mom stayed until Thursday (I couldn't have done it without her!  Love you mom!!) and that night my sweet visiting teachers brought dinner.  On Friday, Danny's parents came down and we had a great time with them as well.  That night, after a rough couple of weeks, I ended the day by jotting down a few thoughts in my journal:

September 7, 2012

Today has been a good day (It's Friday!) and so many times I've caught myself feeling so totally happy and content.  It's good to feel that way.  Some things that made me smile today: Avery's adorable little pigtails and the way she sits so still for me to do her hair.  Max washing all of the tomatoes from the garden, dividing them into separate containers and placing them carefully on the table.  Drinking "purple juice"  on the front porch and sharing popsicles.  Seeing the kids in the bike trailer with their sunglasses on, ready to go on a ride with Papa.  Avery's skip/run/gallop.  Cutest thing ever.  My heart feels so full and I've actually caught myself being grateful for this HUGE trial in my life!  How crazy is that?!

Ever since that Friday I have been blessed with a complete sense of peace.  I feel content.  I know that my Heavenly Father is in control.  I am so happy that I have two sweet, wonderful, amazing, healthy children and a husband who is so so good to me.  And I have hope.  Hope for the future.  Of course, it is still hard.  But I have come to realize that there are good things to come.  

And before those good things come, I am trying my hardest to enjoy all of the hundreds of good things around me right now:

 Thank you.  Thank you for all of the support you've given me through the blog, texts, phone calls, visits, flowers, meals, prayers, etc.  I am so very blessed.  One of the first thoughts I had when I found out was, Why in the world did we tell everyone already?!?  We never announce this early!  But oh my goodness, I couldn't have done it without the support of all of you.  

And, for those of you struggling with your own trials at the moment, 

I found these talks to be very uplifting and inspiring:

mountains to climb//president eyring

finding a safe harbor//elder wirthlin

  

This video especially spoke to my heart:

xoxo.

heartache

I don't know how to begin this.  Or make sense of all of the millions of emotions I am feeling right at this moment.  However, I've got to explain this at some point, and I feel like now is as good a time as any.  Yesterday, August 29, at 3:39 pm I found out that we lost our sweet little baby at 12 weeks.  It is difficult to describe the pain I feel.  But last night, as I was listening to a song by Hilary Weeks (with tears streaming down my face) I wrote down my thoughts:

August 29, 2012

My heart is broken today and the tears won't stop flowing.  We lost our sweet baby today at 12 weeks and no words seem adequate.  It is a difficult thing to cope with and the only things getting me through it are my Heavenly Father, Danny, and our two sweet children.  I was just reading an article on lds.org about dealing with a miscarriage and one lady wrote, "It's hard to say goodbye when you never had the chance to say hello."  How true that is.  My heart aches that I won't be able to gaze into those precious innocent eyes and stroke those velvety cheeks.  Those tiny fingers won't curl around mine and I won't be able to hear that sweet small cry.  This is something that I knew would most likely happen at some point, but I hoped it never would and I feel so unprepared.  I was caught way off guard and I definitely didn't see it coming.

Everything has gone so smoothly.  I had very little morning sickness (which, looking back is maybe an indicator that something wasn't right...) but I was very tired.  I felt like the baby was doing well and my body seemed to be adapting just fine.  I had an appointment with my doctor two weeks ago to check my thyroid (which I also have problems with) and I mentioned that I was about 10 weeks along.  He got so excited to hear the heartbeat that he pulled out the doppler and heard it for a few seconds.  He reminded me that the baby was still really small and we'd be able to hear it better at my first OB appointment in two weeks.

That appointment was yesterday and everything seemed great.  I went through a long list of routine questions with the nurse, "Have you ever had a miscarriage before?  Have you had spotting or bleeding? Etc..."  My answer was no both times.  I went to the bathroom to do the standard pee-in-a-cup test and I remember looking at myself while I was washing my hands and feeling so happy.  This was really happening.  In March I'd be back at the hospital with a brand new baby to bring home.  I went back to the room where they did a pap smear and then on to the "fun part"--listening to the baby's heart beat.  He put the jelly on and we all listened closely.  Nothing.  Just lots of static and the thump of my own heart.  Minutes later, still nothing and I could feel my heart start to beat faster.  This isn't happening, I thought, not to me.  I instantly remembered back to my first pregnancy when this exact thing happened with Max.  They took us back to the ultrasound room and there was Max up on the screen, his heart beating steadily away.  I told my doctor that this wasn't uncommon for me and he thought maybe I wasn't as far along as I had thought.  Just to be safe, he'd order an ultrasound for the next day.  I went home a little worried, but not really.  It'd all work out.

Then last night as I was lying in bed I had this fear come over me that the baby wasn't going to make it.  The tears started flowing and Danny gently kissed my forehead.  I silently prayed that everything would be ok.  I can't handle this right now, I thought.

I woke up feeling refreshed and not worried at all.  By midmorning I got hit with an extreme wave of fatigue and I could hardly keep my eyes open but I figured it was just pregnancy symptoms.  The kids and I went to the park and after that I felt much better.  Danny got home to watch the kids (we couldn't find a babysitter) and I hopped in the car, blowing him a kiss as I pulled out of the driveway.  My appointment was at 3 and I was hoping to make it back for the Young Women boating activity at 4.  Danny had the radio set to K.Love which normally I would have changed right away but today I left it on, a good song was playing about having faith in Christ.  I prayed I would have faith no matter what happened.

I got called back fairly quickly and the nurse tried doing a normal ultrasound but realized it wouldn't work so I got changed for a vaginal ultrasound.  Things seemed to be going ok until she got to the baby.  There it was!  I could see it.  But it wasn't moving and when she checked what I thought was the heartbeat I heard nothing and just saw a bunch of straight lines running across the screen.  She quickly clicked out, started checking a few other things and a few minutes later had me change so she could take the results to the radiologist.  It was in the bathroom that I lost it.  She hadn't said anything but she didn't have to.  I already knew.  I text Danny, "I wish you were here..." and he asked how things were going, did I know anything yet?  I responded with "I don't know anything for sure.  It's not looking good though."  Shortly after, the nurse came back to tell me that Dr. Oveson was expecting me.  As I headed out the door she said, "Good luck."

I was shown to a room way at the back of the office and as soon as Dr. Oveson stepped in I broke down.  He handed me a tissue and got one for himself which didn't make things easier.  He talked about this being pretty common, but still hard to deal with and then covered the different options I had. Unless I "deliver" on my own, I'm scheduled to have the surgery Tuesday morning.

Max and Avery seemed extra angelic when I got home and Danny gave me the biggest hug--he felt so bad he wasn't able to be there with me.  I don't think the kids have ever really seen us cry so while Danny was hugging me they were both right there, silently watching us.  They both gave me hugs and kisses after which definitely lifted my spirits.

Talking to them, I explained that the baby in Mommy's tummy went back to live with Heavenly Father. He looked puzzled for a minute and then asked, "What about Tim's baby?"  Such a sweet boy.  Danny also told me that once he got the final text from me he was kneeling by the side of Max's bed.  Danny started crying and Max randomly spoke up, pointing to the picture of the Temple on his wall, "Daddy, Temple!"  Talk about tender mercies of the Lord.  Go to the Temple and be reminded of this eternal plan of happiness.

It has been a rough 24 hours to say the least, but I already feel so much love and support.  We really are all in this together.  How grateful I am to be apart of the Lord's church and to have a husband who can give me blessings of comfort when I so desperately need just that.