It has been over three weeks since we first heard the terrible news and oh how slowly time has gone. It is crazy to think that it has only been a little over three weeks. Eighteen days. Four hundred and thirty two hours. But the time has passed, and with that time, I feel like I have learned a lot.
I have: Grown closer to my Savior. Embraced the relationship I have with my sweet husband. Appreciated my children like never before. Experienced pain in a way I never thought possible. Soaked my pillow with tears. Tried to push unanswerable questions out of my mind. Replayed that moment, the moment I realized that our little baby wasn't going to make it, over and over again in my mind. Gained empathy for so many women who have gone through this exact same thing. Been blown away by the service, love, and kindness of others. Been reminded that God has a plan for me, for us. Thought about the birth process and have been in awe at how incredibly miraculous it is. Realized how much I have taken for granted up to this point. Recognized that I have so much to be thankful for--and realizing that fills my heart with so much joy it's almost crazy.
It really has been a whirlwind these last three weeks.
From Wednesday (the 29th) when I found out and the following Tuesday (the 4th) when I had my D&C, the days are really all mushed together in my mind. I couldn't think straight. I stayed at my parents for a few days and they pretty much took care of the kids. I tried not to hope that the doctors had been wrong and my baby was actually still alive. Since I knew that they really had been right, I couldn't stop thinking about the baby still inside of me that was no longer living. It was a very difficult time. Danny and I had many conversations about life, the gospel, trials, etc...and I tried so hard to remember that God is in control.
Tuesday morning finally rolled around (time really does seem to move so slowly when something devastating happens) and Danny and I were out the door by 6:50 am. The drive to the hospital made me wish that I was going there to have a baby. We checked in and the nurses walked me back to the room. Right past the nursery. Down the hall I could see the room we stayed in with Avery when she was born. Couldn't they have taken me down a different hall? That series of events made me slightly grumpy but the doctors + nurses who helped me were wonderful. Around 8:30 I was drifting quickly off to sleep (Danny wanted me to count down from 100. I was so determined to make it to 0 but I actually don't even remember getting started at all!) and the next thing I remember was a strange voice telling me she was going to roll me back to my room, and it might be a bit bumpy.
The next few hours I was so out of it. Not sure how long it took me to acknowledge Danny, but when I did I don't think I was very kind. I probably asked him to rip out the oxygen tube in my nose because my nose itched sooo badly. A new nurse came in with a thick accent who I couldn't understand and I was not in a happy mood. Why wasn't there a bassinet beside me with a sweet, beautiful baby inside?? It was rough. But Danny was so patient and stayed by my bedside the entire time. And it was a long time. We expected to be in and out but it wasn't until 12:30 that I actually felt awake and coherent enough to get out of bed. We got checked out around 1:30, came home, got a snack, and I had crawled back into my own bed by 2. I didn't wake up until 5:30 that night! Apparently my body responds really well to sleep drugs. When I woke up that night I was feeling like I was almost myself again, just tired + still sad, so I was so thankful to have Danny and my mom around. They helped out so much. My mom stayed until Thursday (I couldn't have done it without her! Love you mom!!) and that night my sweet visiting teachers brought dinner. On Friday, Danny's parents came down and we had a great time with them as well. That night, after a rough couple of weeks, I ended the day by jotting down a few thoughts in my journal:
September 7, 2012
Today has been a good day (It's Friday!) and so many times I've caught myself feeling so totally happy and content. It's good to feel that way. Some things that made me smile today: Avery's adorable little pigtails and the way she sits so still for me to do her hair. Max washing all of the tomatoes from the garden, dividing them into separate containers and placing them carefully on the table. Drinking "purple juice" on the front porch and sharing popsicles. Seeing the kids in the bike trailer with their sunglasses on, ready to go on a ride with Papa. Avery's skip/run/gallop. Cutest thing ever. My heart feels so full and I've actually caught myself being grateful for this HUGE trial in my life! How crazy is that?!
Ever since that Friday I have been blessed with a complete sense of peace. I feel content. I know that my Heavenly Father is in control. I am so happy that I have two sweet, wonderful, amazing, healthy children and a husband who is so so good to me. And I have hope. Hope for the future. Of course, it is still hard. But I have come to realize that there are good things to come.
And before those good things come, I am trying my hardest to enjoy all of the hundreds of good things around me right now:
Thank you. Thank you for all of the support you've given me through the blog, texts, phone calls, visits, flowers, meals, prayers, etc. I am so very blessed. One of the first thoughts I had when I found out was, Why in the world did we tell everyone already?!? We never announce this early! But oh my goodness, I couldn't have done it without the support of all of you.
And, for those of you struggling with your own trials at the moment,
I found these talks to be very uplifting and inspiring:
This video especially spoke to my heart: