Thursday, August 30, 2012

heartache

I don't know how to begin this.  Or make sense of all of the millions of emotions I am feeling right at this moment.  However, I've got to explain this at some point, and I feel like now is as good a time as any.  Yesterday, August 29, at 3:39 pm I found out that we lost our sweet little baby at 12 weeks.  It is difficult to describe the pain I feel.  But last night, as I was listening to a song by Hilary Weeks (with tears streaming down my face) I wrote down my thoughts:

August 29, 2012

My heart is broken today and the tears won't stop flowing.  We lost our sweet baby today at 12 weeks and no words seem adequate.  It is a difficult thing to cope with and the only things getting me through it are my Heavenly Father, Danny, and our two sweet children.  I was just reading an article on lds.org about dealing with a miscarriage and one lady wrote, "It's hard to say goodbye when you never had the chance to say hello."  How true that is.  My heart aches that I won't be able to gaze into those precious innocent eyes and stroke those velvety cheeks.  Those tiny fingers won't curl around mine and I won't be able to hear that sweet small cry.  This is something that I knew would most likely happen at some point, but I hoped it never would and I feel so unprepared.  I was caught way off guard and I definitely didn't see it coming.

Everything has gone so smoothly.  I had very little morning sickness (which, looking back is maybe an indicator that something wasn't right...) but I was very tired.  I felt like the baby was doing well and my body seemed to be adapting just fine.  I had an appointment with my doctor two weeks ago to check my thyroid (which I also have problems with) and I mentioned that I was about 10 weeks along.  He got so excited to hear the heartbeat that he pulled out the doppler and heard it for a few seconds.  He reminded me that the baby was still really small and we'd be able to hear it better at my first OB appointment in two weeks.

That appointment was yesterday and everything seemed great.  I went through a long list of routine questions with the nurse, "Have you ever had a miscarriage before?  Have you had spotting or bleeding? Etc..."  My answer was no both times.  I went to the bathroom to do the standard pee-in-a-cup test and I remember looking at myself while I was washing my hands and feeling so happy.  This was really happening.  In March I'd be back at the hospital with a brand new baby to bring home.  I went back to the room where they did a pap smear and then on to the "fun part"--listening to the baby's heart beat.  He put the jelly on and we all listened closely.  Nothing.  Just lots of static and the thump of my own heart.  Minutes later, still nothing and I could feel my heart start to beat faster.  This isn't happening, I thought, not to me.  I instantly remembered back to my first pregnancy when this exact thing happened with Max.  They took us back to the ultrasound room and there was Max up on the screen, his heart beating steadily away.  I told my doctor that this wasn't uncommon for me and he thought maybe I wasn't as far along as I had thought.  Just to be safe, he'd order an ultrasound for the next day.  I went home a little worried, but not really.  It'd all work out.

Then last night as I was lying in bed I had this fear come over me that the baby wasn't going to make it.  The tears started flowing and Danny gently kissed my forehead.  I silently prayed that everything would be ok.  I can't handle this right now, I thought.

I woke up feeling refreshed and not worried at all.  By midmorning I got hit with an extreme wave of fatigue and I could hardly keep my eyes open but I figured it was just pregnancy symptoms.  The kids and I went to the park and after that I felt much better.  Danny got home to watch the kids (we couldn't find a babysitter) and I hopped in the car, blowing him a kiss as I pulled out of the driveway.  My appointment was at 3 and I was hoping to make it back for the Young Women boating activity at 4.  Danny had the radio set to K.Love which normally I would have changed right away but today I left it on, a good song was playing about having faith in Christ.  I prayed I would have faith no matter what happened.

I got called back fairly quickly and the nurse tried doing a normal ultrasound but realized it wouldn't work so I got changed for a vaginal ultrasound.  Things seemed to be going ok until she got to the baby.  There it was!  I could see it.  But it wasn't moving and when she checked what I thought was the heartbeat I heard nothing and just saw a bunch of straight lines running across the screen.  She quickly clicked out, started checking a few other things and a few minutes later had me change so she could take the results to the radiologist.  It was in the bathroom that I lost it.  She hadn't said anything but she didn't have to.  I already knew.  I text Danny, "I wish you were here..." and he asked how things were going, did I know anything yet?  I responded with "I don't know anything for sure.  It's not looking good though."  Shortly after, the nurse came back to tell me that Dr. Oveson was expecting me.  As I headed out the door she said, "Good luck."

I was shown to a room way at the back of the office and as soon as Dr. Oveson stepped in I broke down.  He handed me a tissue and got one for himself which didn't make things easier.  He talked about this being pretty common, but still hard to deal with and then covered the different options I had. Unless I "deliver" on my own, I'm scheduled to have the surgery Tuesday morning.

Max and Avery seemed extra angelic when I got home and Danny gave me the biggest hug--he felt so bad he wasn't able to be there with me.  I don't think the kids have ever really seen us cry so while Danny was hugging me they were both right there, silently watching us.  They both gave me hugs and kisses after which definitely lifted my spirits.

Talking to them, I explained that the baby in Mommy's tummy went back to live with Heavenly Father. He looked puzzled for a minute and then asked, "What about Tim's baby?"  Such a sweet boy.  Danny also told me that once he got the final text from me he was kneeling by the side of Max's bed.  Danny started crying and Max randomly spoke up, pointing to the picture of the Temple on his wall, "Daddy, Temple!"  Talk about tender mercies of the Lord.  Go to the Temple and be reminded of this eternal plan of happiness.

It has been a rough 24 hours to say the least, but I already feel so much love and support.  We really are all in this together.  How grateful I am to be apart of the Lord's church and to have a husband who can give me blessings of comfort when I so desperately need just that.  

16 comments:

  1. Love you Jess. These moments in womanhood and motherhood are so unfortunate, but they help strengthen us and make us better mothers to the children we have here on this earth. I have lots of memories flooding back with my miscarriage experience and I just so wish we lived closer to each other girl. Lean on your family. Lean on the Lord. Looking back, I am so much stronger today, then I was before I miscarried. For whatever reason, I needed to go through that. And you'll realize that too. It's hard because we don't know what happens to these babies since we don't know all about miscarriages (in the Gospel sense), but I know we will be okay with it after this life. Whether or not those children have another opportunity to come to earth, or we raise them in the next, it will be okay. Love you. Lets talk soon.

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  2. Jess, I'm so, so sorry. My heart is aching and tears are rolling down my face. These things suck like nothing else. Wish you didn't have to go through it.

    I love you guys. Let's get together soon, ok?

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  3. I'm so so sorry to hear this...you wrote your feelings beautifully though. I'm having to hold back tears cuz I'm at work, but I seriously feel for you. I remember being so terrified when we were first pregnant, and worrying like crazy about losing the baby after we'd tried for what felt like forever...I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. I hope you all feel comfort through the experience and know that it will all work out for the best. Hold those 2 cute kiddos you have closer tonight. Love you.

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  4. What a sweet post. Thanks for sharing such a personal experience, because we know things happen, but nobody expects that it will happen to them. You are so lucky to have such a great little family, where each other is all you need! I love blog posts like this because they are testimony builders for me. Hang in there!!

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  5. Oh, sweet Jessie. I am so sorry. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Nothing I can say will make it any better--just know that we love you and you and Danny are in our prayers. Hugs hugs hugs!!!

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  6. Beautiful Jessie, Beautiful! I am crying for you...with you! You will look back on this time and feel so touched and grateful that you jotted down your feelings and memories. I know there aren't words that I can say that will help the situation, but I am so sorry. I will be thinking about you and praying for you. Hug Max and Avery a little tighter, give them more kisses and tell them you love them. How blessed you are to have two sweet babies. Hugs and kisses!

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  7. I struggled fighting back tears reading this. Ben and I lost our first baby at 11 weeks and it was harder than I could have ever imagined. My heart just aches for you. Your sweet family is in our prayers.

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  8. You are so strong and your testimony shines so brightly as an example to us all. My prayers are with you and your family!

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  9. Jesse, I'm so sorry. Tears are streaming down my face for you and your sweet family. Heavenly Father has a perfect plan that we can never imagine the involvement and love he has for us. Our prayers are with you.

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  10. Jessie, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet little family.

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  11. So sad, I am sorry that you have to go through this. Such a blessing that you have Danny and the kids to help you through this. Sorry we can't be there to make you dinner or tend kids..wish we could do something to help out. We'll keep you in our prayers!

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  12. Jessie, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry. We are praying for you. Love you so much.

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  13. Oh Jessie I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your cute family in my prayers. You're so strong and beautiful!!

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  14. Oh Jessie I am so sorry. I know that nothing I say will help with the pain and heartache that you are dealing with but please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you! Hugs from North Carolina!

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  15. Jessie, I want to let you know that you and your family have been in our prayers this week. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to focus on those tender mercies and the things you are grateful for to try to make this time a little easier. I can't imagine how you feel, but we will continue to pray for you. You are so strong!

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  16. Jessie,

    Not sure if you will remember me, our husbands are both in the grad program together at BYU and we ate Taco Bell together that lovely day :) Anyway, I ran across your blog a few weeks ago, honestly not sure how, facebook maybe? You guys are just so cute. And you are a wonderful person. I am so sad to hear about this heartbreak for you and your family! My prayers are with you guys. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Hope your recovery is going well. Danny can tell Zach if you need anything. Seriously!

    Krista Horton

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