heartache

I don't know how to begin this.  Or make sense of all of the millions of emotions I am feeling right at this moment.  However, I've got to explain this at some point, and I feel like now is as good a time as any.  Yesterday, August 29, at 3:39 pm I found out that we lost our sweet little baby at 12 weeks.  It is difficult to describe the pain I feel.  But last night, as I was listening to a song by Hilary Weeks (with tears streaming down my face) I wrote down my thoughts:

August 29, 2012

My heart is broken today and the tears won't stop flowing.  We lost our sweet baby today at 12 weeks and no words seem adequate.  It is a difficult thing to cope with and the only things getting me through it are my Heavenly Father, Danny, and our two sweet children.  I was just reading an article on lds.org about dealing with a miscarriage and one lady wrote, "It's hard to say goodbye when you never had the chance to say hello."  How true that is.  My heart aches that I won't be able to gaze into those precious innocent eyes and stroke those velvety cheeks.  Those tiny fingers won't curl around mine and I won't be able to hear that sweet small cry.  This is something that I knew would most likely happen at some point, but I hoped it never would and I feel so unprepared.  I was caught way off guard and I definitely didn't see it coming.

Everything has gone so smoothly.  I had very little morning sickness (which, looking back is maybe an indicator that something wasn't right...) but I was very tired.  I felt like the baby was doing well and my body seemed to be adapting just fine.  I had an appointment with my doctor two weeks ago to check my thyroid (which I also have problems with) and I mentioned that I was about 10 weeks along.  He got so excited to hear the heartbeat that he pulled out the doppler and heard it for a few seconds.  He reminded me that the baby was still really small and we'd be able to hear it better at my first OB appointment in two weeks.

That appointment was yesterday and everything seemed great.  I went through a long list of routine questions with the nurse, "Have you ever had a miscarriage before?  Have you had spotting or bleeding? Etc..."  My answer was no both times.  I went to the bathroom to do the standard pee-in-a-cup test and I remember looking at myself while I was washing my hands and feeling so happy.  This was really happening.  In March I'd be back at the hospital with a brand new baby to bring home.  I went back to the room where they did a pap smear and then on to the "fun part"--listening to the baby's heart beat.  He put the jelly on and we all listened closely.  Nothing.  Just lots of static and the thump of my own heart.  Minutes later, still nothing and I could feel my heart start to beat faster.  This isn't happening, I thought, not to me.  I instantly remembered back to my first pregnancy when this exact thing happened with Max.  They took us back to the ultrasound room and there was Max up on the screen, his heart beating steadily away.  I told my doctor that this wasn't uncommon for me and he thought maybe I wasn't as far along as I had thought.  Just to be safe, he'd order an ultrasound for the next day.  I went home a little worried, but not really.  It'd all work out.

Then last night as I was lying in bed I had this fear come over me that the baby wasn't going to make it.  The tears started flowing and Danny gently kissed my forehead.  I silently prayed that everything would be ok.  I can't handle this right now, I thought.

I woke up feeling refreshed and not worried at all.  By midmorning I got hit with an extreme wave of fatigue and I could hardly keep my eyes open but I figured it was just pregnancy symptoms.  The kids and I went to the park and after that I felt much better.  Danny got home to watch the kids (we couldn't find a babysitter) and I hopped in the car, blowing him a kiss as I pulled out of the driveway.  My appointment was at 3 and I was hoping to make it back for the Young Women boating activity at 4.  Danny had the radio set to K.Love which normally I would have changed right away but today I left it on, a good song was playing about having faith in Christ.  I prayed I would have faith no matter what happened.

I got called back fairly quickly and the nurse tried doing a normal ultrasound but realized it wouldn't work so I got changed for a vaginal ultrasound.  Things seemed to be going ok until she got to the baby.  There it was!  I could see it.  But it wasn't moving and when she checked what I thought was the heartbeat I heard nothing and just saw a bunch of straight lines running across the screen.  She quickly clicked out, started checking a few other things and a few minutes later had me change so she could take the results to the radiologist.  It was in the bathroom that I lost it.  She hadn't said anything but she didn't have to.  I already knew.  I text Danny, "I wish you were here..." and he asked how things were going, did I know anything yet?  I responded with "I don't know anything for sure.  It's not looking good though."  Shortly after, the nurse came back to tell me that Dr. Oveson was expecting me.  As I headed out the door she said, "Good luck."

I was shown to a room way at the back of the office and as soon as Dr. Oveson stepped in I broke down.  He handed me a tissue and got one for himself which didn't make things easier.  He talked about this being pretty common, but still hard to deal with and then covered the different options I had. Unless I "deliver" on my own, I'm scheduled to have the surgery Tuesday morning.

Max and Avery seemed extra angelic when I got home and Danny gave me the biggest hug--he felt so bad he wasn't able to be there with me.  I don't think the kids have ever really seen us cry so while Danny was hugging me they were both right there, silently watching us.  They both gave me hugs and kisses after which definitely lifted my spirits.

Talking to them, I explained that the baby in Mommy's tummy went back to live with Heavenly Father. He looked puzzled for a minute and then asked, "What about Tim's baby?"  Such a sweet boy.  Danny also told me that once he got the final text from me he was kneeling by the side of Max's bed.  Danny started crying and Max randomly spoke up, pointing to the picture of the Temple on his wall, "Daddy, Temple!"  Talk about tender mercies of the Lord.  Go to the Temple and be reminded of this eternal plan of happiness.

It has been a rough 24 hours to say the least, but I already feel so much love and support.  We really are all in this together.  How grateful I am to be apart of the Lord's church and to have a husband who can give me blessings of comfort when I so desperately need just that.  

old mill park.

the last week we've had a few cool days and it has been soo nice.

who else is so excited for fall???

one of those cooler days, i bundled the kids up, and we headed to the old mill park.  the kids love this park and max calls it "the water park."  he and avery both love to throw sticks + rocks into the little river and watch them float away.  

they find so much joy + entertainment in the simplest things.  

i've got a thing or two to learn from them :)  

ps. i would have more pictures of max but it is getting increasingly harder to take a picture of that energetic boy!!

the master.

there is no rest for the weary around here :)

(i'm sure that's what danny thinks anyways!)

back in may (yes, i'm very behind...) i decided that i'd had enough of our yellow walls, nasty blinds, octopus light fixture, and wallpapered ceiling and we went to work revamping the master.

check out that monster piece of wallpaper i ripped off!! 

we were having a contest.  i think it's safe to say i won :)

that is sooo much wallpaper.

and check out all those cracks!!  oh the joys of living in a 1920's home.

don't worry, we patched them all :)

we asked cody (one of the other seminary teachers who is an expert at texturing) to come help us out but he just gave danny the tools and explained what to do.  talk about teaching a man to fish!!  danny was a little nervous at first to texture and patch the entire ceiling by himself but he did SUCH a great job.  so proud of him.  (he got a little dusty as he was doing the final sanding job...)

doesn't that ceiling texture look amazing??

i also wanted to try our hand at a paneled wall.  it was actually pretty easy and we got it done in just two days (which is huge for us!)  i even got to use the nail gun.  talk about power :)  (it's actually kind of intimidating/scary/loud but i was glad i could help out!)

the finished wall

the primed wall

and the final coat of martha stewart's zinc (thanks to the tip from julia)

we love it.

and the (current) final picture....

(drumroll please)

ahhhh.  so so much better.  i feel like my dreams have been much sweeter since the redo.  we've still got a few finishing touches, like: a window treatment, some nightstands, a bed skirt (or something to cover up the box springs!), some lamps, and a light.  but for now, this is perfect :)

so what do you think??  do you like the gray?  do you have any projects up your sleeves?  what do you think about the paneled wall??

ps. speaking of re-doing, we finally ventured into the scary scary scary basement to do some remodeling in one of the bedrooms.  this is the first project we've tackled down there and let's just say it's not going to be easy.  BUT we're going to learn a lot :)  and it will be a million times better when it's done.  wanna see what it looks like today??

brace yourself:

i told you it was bad.  stay tuned :)

cousins.

this summer, max had such a great time with all of his cousins.  he got to play with cousins at bear lake, in boise, and at my parent's house when my brother and his family were visiting from oklahoma.  he sure loved it and still asks about them all the time.  today he got a sweet card in the mail from mariah and he couldn't have been more excited. 

while at grandma + grandpa's the only time i could get decent pictures of the kids was during snack time.  oh how they love snack time!!  it doesn't get much better than green smoothies and popcorn :)

oh, and aren't these pictures of avery + sally the best??  cute little twinners!

august 23.

happy anniversary to my sweetheart.

what a great four years it has been!!

here's to many, many more.

xoxo.

ps. thank you for all of the sweet + encouraging words on our latest announcement.

we are thrilled to add another little baby to our family!

shout-outs

my sister kristina (fini) is the best sister i ever had!  and i'm pretty sure she would say i was the best little brother she ever had (ooh burn aaron and matt).  in november she and timmy are going to be PARENTS!  we're super excited for them.  they are going to be amazing.  so this blog is a shout out to them.  in honor of their soon-to-be baby boy (i heard they were gonna name him daniel), and because we're doing some start-of-school-year-cleaning, the kiddos wanted to try on some of their old baby clothes (size NB).  isn't it weird that they have baby clothes?  does that mean they aren't babies anymore?  boo!  anyway, it was quite the photo shoot... see for yourself: 

they have grown way too much, and they clearly don't fit their baby clothes anymore.  

so fin, i know these hand-me-downs might not be much, but you're welcome to em if you want.

if not, i guess we'll just save them for the end of march...

WHEN BABY #3 ARRIVES!!!

jessie's two cents:

it's true :)

lovely summer nights.

tonight ended up being such a perfect sunday evening.  it started out hot and muggy (inside + out...it's awesome not having AC!!!!) but by the time our rice krispie treats were done, a nice breeze was blowing outside so we went out to enjoy it in our beautiful yard.

the rice krispies must have done something to the kids because they were wired but oh my goodness i love to see them interact with their daddy.  

they love him.

i get to be on the sidelines, snapping pictures away and praying that nobody gets hurt :)

enjoy!

proof that i was actually there:

(avery came over to say hi for a second...she's so sweet :)

and more proof that our children aren't always so hyper-active :)

they do spend 99.9% of their time constantly on the go, but isn't this picture the cutest??

danny took them for a run the other day (max started out by running the first 6 blocks alongside him!) and they came back like this:

ps. we are in shock that school begins this week!!!

we've been busy getting danny's room ready for a new batch of students.

however, getting back on a normal schedule will be soo good for all of us.