march fifteenth & hashimoto's

You know what is incredibly hard to come to grips with some days? The fact that my "due date" came and went (one month ago today!), and I have nothing to show for it. (The last few months have been emotional, to say the least.) When my miscarriage first happened, the love & support was incredible. We felt so loved and after a while I felt okay about things. But I clung onto a little glimmer of hope that so many offered me: You'll probably be pregnant by the time the due date rolls around.

Spoiler alert: I'm not. 

And while I'm actually realizing that this little fact is *I think* for the better, it's still heart-wrenching to think that this could have happened a third time:

(There is nothing like meeting your sweet babe for the first time!!!)

I've learned a lot over the last few months, and among other things, my testimony has been strengthened about the importance of families. Babies are such miracles and (hopefully) one day soon we'll be able to bring more little ones into our family. But until then, I'm determined to soak up Max & Avery with all that I've got and be the best mother I can be.

...

And while we're on the topic of learning new things...Have you ever heard of Hashimoto's disease? 

Well, last week I was diagnosed with that dreaded auto-immune disease and instead of feeling totally sorry for myself, I'm actually a little relieved (Ok, I do find myself feeling sorry more often than I'd like to. And I'm totally freaked out. But I am relieved. I'm not crazy after all!) 

After Avery was born (two years ago tomorrow!!!) I started noticing a lot of negative symptoms. I had veryyyy little energy. I didn't feel like myself. My memory was getting so incredibly horrible, I was worried I was getting Alzheimer's (It's bad you guys!) I felt distant from everyone (and in case you didn't know, that is a horrible way to feel right after having a baby. Or anytime for that matter.) 

I blamed it on post-partum. I blamed it on the small town we had recently moved to. I blamed it on a lot of things. But after a few months, things were getting worse, not better, so I started seeing a counselor for depression. After a few visits, she was pretty confident that I was not suffering from depression. She asked if I had ever had my thyroid checked. I had no idea what that was, but I made an appointment with my local doctor, and sure enough, my thyroid was wayyy wacky. He put me on Synthroid, which I took faithfully for a little over a month with zero results. I took it on & off for the next year (still, with no results...probably due to my inconsistency) but it wasn't until my miscarriage that I really started paying attention to my thyroid issues at all.

I started doing more research and I was finding all over the place that miscarriages can be strongly related to a thyroid imbalance. I got my levels checked again (nothing had changed) and I was dedicated to take it faithfully for the next three months (they say that's how long it really takes for your body to notice any changes...) Three months later, my symptoms were as strong as ever and I was getting frustrated. 

That's when I started thinking about diet and trying all sorts of things: first I went gluten-free/vegan. Then it was sugar-free (completely! No fruit or anything...sad day!) I'm not sure if I was just focusing too much on what I couldn't eat, but it was stressful, and I wasn't sure if it was doing anything so I was not the most motivated person in the world. You may have seen a bunch of posts on Instagram like this:

^^ these all happened to be pretty delicious. they were my saving grace! ^^

Well, to make a lonnnng story semi-short, after searching and searching for a doctor who I felt comfortable & confident with, I was given three separate recommendations for the same doctor. So I made an appointment with her and she is amazing. She had tons of blood work done and it was confirmed yet again: my thyroid is going absolutely crazy & my antibody levels are higher than she has ever seen. (This, along with my whacky thyroid, is what led her to be 99% positive I've got Hashi's.) She's upped my thyroid medication, I'm taking more vitamins than I've taken in my life (combined!), and I'm trying yet another gluten-free experiment, but I'm hopeful that I'll start to see improvement soon.

So. That's what has been on my mind lately.

Happy Monday :)